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Consider Whether, When and What to Tell Your Spouse
Do I Have To Tell My Spouse?
No. Technically, you can wait until your spouse is served with divorce papers, and have the papers do the telling. It may be considered bad form in most cases — except for abuse — not to have a conversation, however. Although your behavior towards your spouse isn’t strictly relevant to the Oregon court’s divorce decisions, it could affect how aggressively your spouse responds. It is also possible that if the Oregon family court judge hears a series of details suggesting that you have a poor character or acted unfairly, the judge could rule against you in matters such as spousal support, where the judge is allowed to consider "any factors the court deems just and equitable." Any perceived bullying or cruelty towards each other could be considered.
When Should I Tell My Spouse?
It is best to tell your spouse you want to divorce after you’ve protected yourself by hiring an Oregon divorce attorney, organizing your financial and other information, and knowing how you will live on your own.
When you decide to tell your spouse, it is advisable to avoid some common errors in this situation:
- Try and tell them before they hear it from someone else. This can help you avoid a confrontation you may not be prepared for.
- Don’t be indecisive. If you aren’t sure that you want a divorce, don’t use the word "divorce." This could trigger actions or legal moves by your spouse, which you may not be prepared for if you aren’t certain about filing for divorce.
- You don’t have to "ask" for a divorce. In Oregon, you have a legal right to a divorce regardless of whether your spouse consents.
- Don’t threaten that you will take the children or turn them against your spouse. These statements could be used against you in the future custody decision.
- Don’t argue. Arguments about who is to blame, or who is the better parent, or who deserves what property, can extend into nasty, time-consuming, expensive litigation. Your effort now in lessening aggression can help you reach a fair settlement and save you money in your divorce.
- Don’t say anything that can later be held against you. Don’t offer to give your spouse anything, or say anything negative about your own or your spouse’s parenting, etc.
- Don’t be disrespectful. At this early stage, you can’t really expect cooperation or understanding. Treating your spouse respectfully now can set a more cooperative tone for what is to come.
Read More: Consider When and What to Tell Your Children About Divorce
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Client testimonials
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"I knew I had a great team looking out for my best interest."My daughter is the sunshine of my life. I felt despair and a sense of helplessness on the day I was served. On the first appointment day when I arrived at the office and sat down with my lawyer, I knew I had made the right decision. From the beginning of my case to conclusion, I knew I had a great team looking out for my best interest (and the best interest of my child). Thank you McKinley Irvin!- Christine P.
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"Thanks for all the work for our family over the past year."Thanks for all the work for our family over the past year. We’re really glad you are on our side.- P.O.
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"I always felt my specific needs were very well represented and that I could count on David to be a trusted adviser."David remained very level headed and family focused throughout our proceedings. That said, I always felt my specific needs were very well represented and that I could count on David to be a trusted adviser during an otherwise difficult time.- T.M.
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"We would highly recommend the knowledgeable and dedicated law firm of McKinley Irvin to anyone who might be seeking legal services."In our search for a reputable law firm to handle my sister’s divorce case, we explored our options until we found the McKinley Irvin law firm. McKinley Irvin has, through our experience, proven to be compassionate, understanding and patient during the long term process of my sister’s case. Due to her disabilities she needed more than the legalities and McKinley Irvin was able to provide their knowledge as well as the assurance to my sister that her case would be handled in her best interest. We cannot begin to express our gratitude for all that the McKinley Irvin law firm has done for us. We would highly recommend the knowledgeable and dedicated law firm of McKinley Irvin to anyone who might be seeking legal services.- P.M.
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"I cannot imagine two people better able to represent me."Without David and Sam, there is no way I could have made it through this exceptionally difficult time in my life. I cannot imagine two people better able to represent me, nor a better firm to handle my affairs. You all have been wonderful!- M.L.
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"My attorney was very good in and out of the courtroom. Always kept me up to date on any issues that came up."My attorney was very good in and out of the courtroom. Always kept me up to date on any issues that came up and was very knowledgeable on custody issues.- R.R.
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"You all stood by me no matter how trying my case got. I always felt at ease knowing that you were there to guide me through this."I would like to give my sincere appreciation to Jennifer Payseno and staff. You all stood by me no matter how trying my case got. I always felt at ease knowing that you were there to guide me through this most difficult time. Thank you for not only being my attorney but becoming part of our extended family.- M.F.
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"Thank you very much for doing such a wonderful job. It has been a pleasure working with you."Dave, thank you very much for doing such a wonderful job. It has been a pleasure working with you.- R.C.