Consider When and What to Tell Your Children About Divorce
When Should I Tell My Kids?
Tell them once you know for sure that you will divorce, when your spouse also knows, and when you can tell the children calmly. Tell your children before they hear it from outsiders. Your focus here should be on both your natural caring for your children, and your ability to show the Oregon divorce court that you have their best interests in mind. “Best interests” includes helping your children have a positive relationship with your spouse, regardless of the quality of your relationship with your spouse.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO MY CHILDREN ABOUT DIVORCE?
Experts (and your mandatory Oregon pre-divorce parenting class) will likely tell you the following about informing your children of your divorce:
- Plan what you will say in advance. Write it down, if you need to.
- If possible, you and your spouse should tell your children together. This shows your children that you are united in caring for them and that they do not have to take sides, one parent against the other.
- Tell your children that the divorce is only between the adults and that nobody is divorcing the children.
- Be cautious about sharing any reasons for the divorce. It is best to simply defer the question and say that it is an adult issue, or to say that “mommy and daddy couldn’t live together anymore.” This gives your children “permission” to continue loving both of you, instead of taking sides against a presumed initiator of the divorce.
- Don’t badmouth your spouse.
- Admit that divorce makes you a little sad, but try to keep your emotions in check in front of your children as much as possible. It is important that they not be put into a role of parenting you, as that is age-inappropriate and not in their best interests.
- Alert the children that some things in their lives will change after the divorce, such as where both parents live, their home part of the time and perhaps their school. Be specific, if you know specifics. Remind them of things that divorce will not change, such as parental love, siblings, friends and pets. Children benefit by hearing concrete details and being reassured of family constancy.
- Anticipate much repetition. Children, especially younger kids, will ask many follow-up questions and need repeating. Be receptive and reassuring upon further questioning about the divorce.
- Be tolerant of your children’s possible emotional outbursts, behavior changes and confused loyalties as they process their feelings.
- Consider telling your children’s teachers or daycare providers, even before divorce is filed. This can be done simply: “My spouse and I will be getting a divorce. Please let me know if my child has behavior or emotional issues that may be related to this.” Be careful in these communications to focus on your children’s welfare, rather than your desire to malign your spouse or gain sympathy.
Manage Your Stress
Self-care is important for wise management of your Oregon divorce case. No matter how overwhelmed and sad you may feel, take care of your greatest resource — yourself — so that you can best get through the divorce process.
If you are overly stressed, you may be disorganized or forgetful of facts that your Oregon divorce attorney needs to understand. You may be unable to follow your lawyer’s advice about not antagonizing your spouse, or not bad-mouthing him/her in front of your children. You may be unable to present yourself calmly before the custody evaluator or Oregon family court judge. Taking care of your stress is smart.
If you are having trouble handling the stress of your divorce, speak with your doctor about your stress and getting the right amount of sleep, the proper diet, exercise and medication, if necessary. You may also wish to consider a divorce recovery class or speaking to a divorce counselor. Be cautious about overusing alcohol or beginning new romantic relationships at this time. If you have children, focus on being a good parent. Speak to your Oregon divorce attorney whenever you have concerns.
-
Best Law Firms -
Best Lawyers
-
Super Lawyers
-
AV Preeminent
-
Avvo 10.0 Superb Family Law
-
AAML
-
Washington's Best Places to Work
-
Best Lawyers
.2404111425506.png "Avvo 10.0 Superb Family Law"){kind=icon}
Client testimonials
-
"I knew I had a great team looking out for my best interest."My daughter is the sunshine of my life. I felt despair and a sense of helplessness on the day I was served. On the first appointment day when I arrived at the office and sat down with my lawyer, I knew I had made the right decision. From the beginning of my case to conclusion, I knew I had a great team looking out for my best interest (and the best interest of my child). Thank you McKinley Irvin!- Christine P.
-
"Thanks for all the work for our family over the past year."Thanks for all the work for our family over the past year. We’re really glad you are on our side.- P.O.
-
"I always felt my specific needs were very well represented and that I could count on David to be a trusted adviser."David remained very level headed and family focused throughout our proceedings. That said, I always felt my specific needs were very well represented and that I could count on David to be a trusted adviser during an otherwise difficult time.- T.M.
-
"We would highly recommend the knowledgeable and dedicated law firm of McKinley Irvin to anyone who might be seeking legal services."In our search for a reputable law firm to handle my sister’s divorce case, we explored our options until we found the McKinley Irvin law firm. McKinley Irvin has, through our experience, proven to be compassionate, understanding and patient during the long term process of my sister’s case. Due to her disabilities she needed more than the legalities and McKinley Irvin was able to provide their knowledge as well as the assurance to my sister that her case would be handled in her best interest. We cannot begin to express our gratitude for all that the McKinley Irvin law firm has done for us. We would highly recommend the knowledgeable and dedicated law firm of McKinley Irvin to anyone who might be seeking legal services.- P.M.
-
"I cannot imagine two people better able to represent me."Without David and Sam, there is no way I could have made it through this exceptionally difficult time in my life. I cannot imagine two people better able to represent me, nor a better firm to handle my affairs. You all have been wonderful!- M.L.
-
"My attorney was very good in and out of the courtroom. Always kept me up to date on any issues that came up."My attorney was very good in and out of the courtroom. Always kept me up to date on any issues that came up and was very knowledgeable on custody issues.- R.R.
-
"You all stood by me no matter how trying my case got. I always felt at ease knowing that you were there to guide me through this."I would like to give my sincere appreciation to Jennifer Payseno and staff. You all stood by me no matter how trying my case got. I always felt at ease knowing that you were there to guide me through this most difficult time. Thank you for not only being my attorney but becoming part of our extended family.- M.F.
-
"Thank you very much for doing such a wonderful job. It has been a pleasure working with you."Dave, thank you very much for doing such a wonderful job. It has been a pleasure working with you.- R.C.